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I'm a mummy to two little girls, Little P (May 2012) and Little N (June 2014), living in the Vale of Glamorgan. We also share a home with with my partner, who in a traditional manner shall henceforth be known as 'Daddy'. This is a lifestyle blog/diary of my parenting experiences. Follow me @whatmummydid_

Monday 29 June 2015

Save the Rage!!

So, does anybody else partake in this really poor form of parenting?? I know it's really wrong, unfair and not in the least bit productive but I can't help myself.
Just in case there are people reading this who don't know what I'm talking about (saints!), I'll explain. Saving the Rage is when your child does something that warrants a good telling off but you're in public (library, doctor's surgery, train) and you don't want to draw attention. So they get away with it (or at least receive a reduced scale telling off). Until they are home when you can really 'go to town'.

I inflicted said bad parenting on Little P recently. As I've mentioned in a previous post, I really enjoy the weekly shop with my girls so I was furious when Little P's behaviour ruined it for me. To give a bit of background, a few days earlier she had bitten Little N on the arm. Not to sound like one of those 'my child can do no wrong' mothers but this really was out of character for her. They had been playing nicely and the next thing I knew, Little N was distraught. I asked Little P what had happened and she immediately told me she had bitten her and apologised profusely to both of us. Poor Little N was left with a mark on her arm and I was devastated. It certainly took longer for me to forgive Little P than it took her sister. I really lost it and told her biting was one of the worst things you could do and how sad I thought it was that she wanted to hurt her little sister with whom she had been playing so nicely (I was a bit dramatic). 

After Daddy came home (and I made her tell him what she had done!) she seemed sufficiently remorseful so I tried my best to let it go. Upon reflection, and with a bit of objectivity from Daddy, we decided she had probably been testing her boundaries and was just curious to see what would happen. I thought that after the telling off she received she would never do it again.

Skip forward a week and you'd find us at Tesco doing our shop. I was having a nosey of the yoghurt selection when a shriek emerged from Little N followed by big, fat tears rolling down her face to heartbreaking wails. Once again, I hadn't a clue what had happened. I asked Little P if she'd seen her bump her head on the bar. 'I bit her. Sorry, Mummy'. And sure enough, poor Little N's index finger had been chomped. I grabbed her out of the trolley (that they were sharing) and she was completely inconsolable. 

I muttered a harsh few words to Little P under the deafening screams coming from her sister. Cue every man and his dog coming over to see what was wrong. There was literally a queue of old ladies (all concerned she was fed up with shopping/was hungry/was tired) to whom I had to explain what had actually happened. By this point, Little P had completely lost it and was also howling from her seat in the trolley. I wasn't angry with the spectators, I actually thought it quite nice that they were all so worried(/nosy). I was just getting more cross with Little P. Not only that she had bitten AGAIN, but my previous preaching must have fallen on deaf ears. After an assistant from the cheese counter had been over to see if there was anything she could do, the crowds finally started to clear. 

In all the fuss, Little P had received a fair bit of moral support from the old dears in such comments as 'you didn't mean it, did you?' and 'aw, you won't do that again, will you?'. Feeling like I didn't want more attention and that it would be a hindrance to me to set them off again, I chose to store my rage for later. So I tried to carry on with my shop; although Little N refused to go back in the trolley (would you get back into a cage with an animal that had already bitten you?). It transpired that Little P had taken comfort in the words of her supporters and was feeling better. She even risked asking if she could still have her treat. The nerve! (apparently one of the ladies had told her she was 'sure she could'. 

The car journey home was quiet. The littles were just chilling but I was brewing. Poor Little P must have forgotten the whole thing by the time we got in and was so confused when I suddenly let rip at her. This is not effective parenting, people. They have no clue what's going on by this point, you (the parent) have had too much time to think about it - they are not an adult (Daddy, mostly) whom you are trying to outsmart in an argument. 

I wasn't teaching her anything, I was just being mean. Mean because I felt Little N (who had most likely forgotten the whole thing) needed some justice. It wasn't the first time I'd saved the rage and sadly, I doubt it'll be the last...

In good news, this was over a month ago and she hasn't bitten since!
The Twinkle Diaries

13 comments:

  1. I am guilty of unleashing the rage in public when they are naughty and that is just as bad! I think its definitely best to save it for the right time and place!

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    1. Your approach is definitely better! Strike while the iron's hot, as they say x

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  3. I've done this. Sometimes I listen to myself droning on and I think "oh just shut up this is achieving nothing" and you're right, the kids just screen you out and then do it again. Now if their father says something on the other hand..... apparently I'm not consistent but if you're on your own with them a lot of the time it's very difficult to play good cop / bad cop. The biting thing is a well known phase - if that's any remote consolation. And don't worry, we've all been there x

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    1. Haha! I'm definitely good cop. In the most sever circumstances I've been known to use 'I may have to tell Daddy about this...' x

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  4. Yes, it's difficult, isn't it? I do try to make sure that they are only told off at the immediate point of bad behaviour, as I know little children won't know what it is connected to if it happens later. But then, if you only found out about it long after the fact, or were in an inappropriate setting at the time, you worry that they weren't told off and will therefore think they got away with it & can do it again! Very tough choice. I think biting is one of those things that most kids do try for a little while, but only some continue long term, so probably isn't as worrying as it may first appear! #twinklytuesday

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    1. You're absolutely right. For it to be fair or have any impact at all you need to do while they know what's going on. It's my own need to serve justice that drags it out! She only 3 for crying out loud!x

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  5. Oh we've all done this one! I'm not known for patience or even a good temper but I'm also not known for causing attention or shouting in public so I get home and bang! As you say pointless with the younger ones and just scary for the older ones who think it's already case closed. One day I'll get this right ;) #twinklytuesday

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    1. I'm glad I'm not alone! I just can't help myself!x

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  6. I definitely think we have all done this. I have often said, I'll talk to you on the way home (when leaving nursery!) but he just doesn't understand it all. It's so hard isn't it this parenting malarchy?! I don't know if we ever really get it right! Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

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    1. Oh Mummascribbles, you are into a winner! At least they know to expect it that way x

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  7. I think this is probably much better than humiliating kids in public. However....i am dreadful at saving the rage! I let the rage fly! I'm like one of those horrendous screeching chavs without the swearing and hitting! I hate it but i just can't keep it bottled up. Ok so i'm not actually screechy and i've managed to get it down to a stage whisper these days but it's probably still not good. It's SO hard!!!!

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  8. It's easy to have a sense-of-humour failure when the Munchkins are not behaving in public...and I admire your honesty. I think you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who hasn't lost the plot in an epic way before. I, myself, perfected the 'glare'...the one that I hoped was sending very big warning signs to them that they were crossing a line. Take care, K-A

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